"They, Them, Theirs."

Shuby is a young, capable, creative person full of insight, who came out as trans-masculine person in 2014. Shuby uses gender-neutral pronouns: they, them, theirs. Trans-masculine to them means they do not fully identify with the gender they were assigned at birth and prefer to be perceived more as male and sometimes even androgynous. They describe them self as a person with a masculine energy with some feminine traits, in a body that is seen as female. This is not universal to all people who identify as trans-masculine, just Shuby’s take.

or less confused, to Shuby it would have been worth it.

In a recent monologue performance, A Conscious Trans-fer: Acknowledging My Other Self Through Life Re-evaluations, Shuby says to their six-year-old self, “I was scared to accept the truth. I’m still scared. Cautiously treading water, always one foot in, one foot out, leaning against the doorframe of this multi-roomed closet. I try to find acceptance in my roots, find a way back home. And this vessel does not feel like home still. You tell me that every day.” Shuby is Nepali and grew up with their family living abroad. Currently, they are studying in Calgary, Canada. To them, family, cultural customs, and religious beliefs are important values in their life. However, they admit that the more they come to understand their trans-masculine identity, the more they wrestle with the gender roles and expectations ingrained in them from childhood. Still, Shuby remains positive with an open and reflective attitude. When discussing Bhai Tika, Shuby said they saw it more as their duty as a sibling and chooses to focus on the roots of why we do this rather than just on the gender roles and who is supposed to be doing this. Being transgender comes with a myriad of challenges. There’s a dearth of information and representation for transgender people regarding legal and physical and mental health issues, and not all places have a strong trans community with access to resources and support. However, one of the hardest parts for Shuby is when they are made to feel like they are wrong, like their identity is a lie. They get uncomfortable when people misgender them, calling them 'she.' In spite of this, Shuby takes things in stride and meets people with patience and understanding. Their goodwill and courage are just some of their admirable traits. It’s not easy to share the inner-most workings of your heart and mind with everyone, yet Shuby does so willingly. They are well aware that it leaves them exposed and vulnerable to the harsh critics of the world, but if it makes just one person feel less alone

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

I’m into creative things like poetry, storytelling, and performance arts. I like nature. There’s nothing better than getting absorbed walking through nature. I consider myself a third culture kid, having grown up all around the world and traveling. I like sitting in the quiet of the night. I enjoy watching theatre and studying drama and technical production. My interests are in history and culture. I really like the Muppets. I am a queer person of color, trans-masculine, Nepali roots, South Asian, third culture kid.

What does identifying as trans-masculine mean to you?

Identifying as trans-masculine to me means that I do not fully identify with the gender that I was assigned with at birth. I do not resonant with everything that is perceived as being female or feminine. I prefer to be perceived more as male and sometimes even androgynous because that feels more comfortable to me, especially within language choices such as masculine or neutral terms to describe people with. For me, it means that I am more male-presenting and reject most female norms and expectations. And that is not always easy. It also means I put myself in this in-between state sometimes with how I think I should act versus how I am expected to present myself.

Describe what life is like right now. Is there a significant “then versus now” difference?

Life at this point in time has a lot more reflection and exploration of self. I am exploring my interests, I am studying drama, and I take part in performance art. I think a significant “then versus now” difference that I deal with is I take just a moment longer thinking about how I am going to present myself to the world on a day-to-day basis. It sounds pretty straightforward and simple, but not to me. I have to think about how I feel. My experience as a trans person is that I have to deal with things that most people don’t necessarily have to think about. Some days I deal with body dysphoria, in which I feel like my internal sense of gender identity does not match my external physical appearance, so I have to think of ways to overcome that. That is not always easy.

Are there any pressures you receive from the trans community or from mainstream ideals?

There is always some pressure to conform to a certain standard no matter what community you engage in.

If you are someone who is unsure/questioning their identity, sometimes people expect you to choose straight away. Like you have to be either “this” or “that” and fit into a box that people will understand.

In the “heteronormative” or mainstream ideals of masculinity, I think people forget about how varied expression of self is. There is diversity in bodies and physical expression, yet the moment someone comes out as being gender diverse, people begin to question it more, and reject it. Every culture is different as well on the roles of femininity and masculinity and how they are perceived. I felt like I was not trans enough when I first came out because it seemed like I suddenly did not fit what others thought was masculine. This is where representation in digital media, television, and movies is important. I am learning to break down the thinking traps that there are strict ways of presenting as feminine and masculine.

Being masculine does not mean you have to be like a strong man, that you are not allowed to show emotion, that you have to take care of everything. That is harmful thinking. I wonder if maybe it would be helpful to look at what is at the essence of femininity and masculinity by looking at concepts of the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine. This is a concept I found through my exploration of Hinduism and seeing the traits broken down changed my own perspectives and understanding.

What impact does the media embracing trans-people on TV/movies have on your own experience?

When the media embraces people who are trans, it is amazing! I cannot stress how important representation in the media is for people, especially those who fall on the gender and sexual minorities spectrum, alongside those who are people of color. It is about seeing yourself and about finding information. If the media does not embrace people on the LGBTQIA+, then you feel left out. How many kids do you hear of who talk about not seeing themselves?

These portrayals help de-stigmatize things, especially when done correctly/appropriately. It should be second nature like seeing a regular cisgender heterosexual couple and not thinking twice about it. If media could portray a gay person or a trans person just living everyday life without being questioned on their identity, it would be great.

For me, I actually found it a bit difficult to be comfortable in my own identity as I couldn’t see myself represented in media. I still struggle with this. How much representation do you see for South Asian trans-masculine folks? Not as much. I think this is why I try to do storytelling and share my experiences, as much as it is a very vulnerable thing to do,

to put myself out there.

What has been your experience with accessing support and resources in the trans community?

In Canada, there is a lot of support, but at the same time it is limited because of the number of people trying to access the support. Community is an important thing, and I have engaged with the LGBTQIA+ community a bit while here. I have made connections with some amazing people, but I recognize that things may be different in Nepal as I think there is stigma over accessing support for yourself and your mental health. Information is not always accurate, and that can affect the type of care and support you get, standards are different. I think one of the best ways to work on that is referring to what the international standards are. A good place to start is with the World Professional Association for ransgender Health and connecting more with local groups and international groups. Two organizations I know of are Blue Diamond Society in Nepal and the Asia Pacific Transgender Network. They work on advocacy and education, which is important.

What are some of the cultural obstacles you have had to navigate as a trans-masculine individual?

I feel like there are many cultural obstacles I have to navigate. It is actually something I think a lot more about now in the few years since I have come out. Culture is an important thing for me, it gives me something to follow and understand, and Nepali cultural traditions and religion usually go hand in hand. It is not easy for me to grasp the concepts nor understand how to navigate gender roles at times. The roles and expectations that I have grown up with are a bit ingrained in me. The more I come to understand my trans-masculine identity, the more I start to feel uncomfortable on how I can try to keep performing my role and still feel comfortable. It almost comes down to that I have to start seeing things at its roots of ‘why do we do this’ rather than just as the gender roles on who is supposed to be doing this.

Have you experienced transphobia before? How did this make you feel and how did you react?

I would not say that I have explicitly experienced transphobia. The things I have experienced are mostly pushback on understanding what transgender means. There is that saying, fear fuels ignorance which creates hate. When I experience pushback from people, I get a bit frustrated, but I recognize that at times, things take time to understand. I have to remind myself that a lot.

How did you first get into theatre? What specific kind of theatre performance do you enjoy most?

My main interest in theatre formed when I was about twelve years old, I took part in an extracurricular activity at school called Stage Crew. It was about doing basic lighting and sound for school shows; the things I consider being part of backstage theatre magic. I was really interested in it. When it came to figure out what I wanted to study for university, I ended up studying Theatre Production and Drama. I find it fascinating to know how certain special effects are done through stage design, in sets, lighting, and sound. I also love performance work and movement of performers, so much versatility and vulnerability of putting yourself out there to play a character that is not you. It’s difficult to pinpoint what specific kind of theatre performance I enjoy the most, I love pretty much all forms of theatre performance art. The thing about theatre is that it is an escape from the real world for a few hours. Whether you are watching something that is based in realism or fantasy, or an experimental piece, there is something beautiful about watching a performance unfold. I like shows that can challenge my perception on things, things that push me out of my comfort zone a bit.

What are some of your career goals or the possible future you imagine for yourself?

Career goals and possible future? I am still trying to figure out a concrete plan. I would love to be able to take what I have learned through my studies in drama and technical production and share that knowledge with others. Teaching workshops on performance or helping run a theatre company would be great opportunities. I would love to carve out more space for storytelling and performance art for LGBTQIA+ folks, but I know that is not an easy thing to do. There is a lot to consider and hopefully I will figure it out. For now, I’m going to see what happens.

Can you share your love for haikus with us?

I like writing poetry and writing haikus is fun. I decided to challenge myself by posting a photo a day on Instagram and writing a haiku caption to go with it. What I love about my writing is that when I share it, people are inspired. I know that to some people it uplifts their spirits, and that means a lot, to hear someone say that sometimes hearing my haiku makes their day a little better. Writing is merely reflection on life, so why not reflect on experiences through creative words?

Whole world of discovery,

A search for beauty.

I am here, you too.

If you could travel to the past and give yourself a message, what would you tell your past-self?

That is a tough question. I feel like there are many lessons I would want to impart on my past self. If I had to choose one,

I think I might want to tell my past-self, “It will be okay, it might not seem like it, and things might not make sense, but things will start to make sense. It will be tough, and you will have many moments where you feel defeated. Just don’t give in to the expectations that others have, even the pressure to conform.”

Perhaps there is a lack of positivity in this message to my past-self, but I think this is what my past-self needs to hear the most.

Who Shuby is transcends any single label. They are a writer, adventurer, performer, leader, and Muppet-loving Harry Potter-enthusiast. Shuby is not interested in fitting into a box or inventing a new box for that matter. Shuby simply exists with a heart open to self-discovery and learning. The world is a better and far more interesting place because Shuby is in it and not afraid to be their true self regardless of labels or gender expectations. We as a society have a choice to either fear and reject the unknown or to celebrate diversity and expand our own understanding and perspective.

Words: Yuna Lee

Photos: PapaShanks